Movin' On Up

In my opinion, the second draft is MUCH better than the first. I think it explains the plot better. I think the characters are more well rounded and they have more struggles/changes in the arc. I think Wendy's overall arc from a lost orphan to sacrificing her life for her brother in the end is way more interesting and easy to sympathize with.

Problems I see right away...

Even though Wendy is supposed to be very intelligent, I still want to make her sound a little bit more her age, because right now I have dialogue for her that makes her sound like she's 20 or older, especially in the end.

I think Ardon should be more upset in the end. I can still do more with his character, maybe make him more of a villain type character. I don't think he should be so willing to help in the end or so easily persuaded. He's been trying to get this project going for 9 years, and after that much time, no one would want to give up without a very serious fight, especially now that he has proof it actually works!

I think the conflict between Corryn/Corryn's father/Wendy is solved a little to easily. Wendy sees how her brother's life is ruined, but she forgives Corryn right away. Corryn has been suffering from her father's brutality for years, but she forgives him right away. These conflicts can be stretched a little longer, without boring the audience, to give the characters time to adjust to the situation and make decisions.

More to come...